


i'll keep you my dirty little secret

by tazernkaner



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Merry Christmas, blackhawks secret santa, jonny and patrick are dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 10:40:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8976358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tazernkaner/pseuds/tazernkaner
Summary: His jaw drops as he pulls away the tissue paper and sees what's in the bag.        “What did you get?” One of his teammates calls out. He can't focus on who it's coming from, though. He's too busy scanning the room for Patrick.          He sees him, arms folded across his chest and smug smirk plastered on his face.         Jonny looks away quickly, back down at the bag. “Lube,” he answers to the crowd of people watching him. “Someone gave me fucking lube.”or: In which it takes a bottle of lube and a game of secret santa for these iidiots to figure their shit out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow what was supposed to be a tiny 2k silly christmas fic turned into a much larger angst fest. For that I am sorry
> 
> This is all fun and fiction, i don't owe anyone. They're just made up characters.

 

“You can't get your secret Santa a book about growing your own vegetables,” Patrick says with so much disgust his nose actually crinkles.

 

         Jonny frowns back down at his laptop, eyeing the Amazon page. “It's a great book,” he says dumbly. “I would get the starter kit to go with it, too,” he adds as if Patrick's objection is to the dollar amount.

 

        “It's supposed to be _personal_ ,” Patrick sighs.

 

           “It is! It shows that I care about their health.”

 

          “You are literally the worst gift giver ever, Taze. I fucking hope you're not my secret Santa.”

 

          “I'd just give you a lump of coal,” Jonny says back, trying not to sound offended and failing miserably. He's _not_ a bad gift giver.

 

          “Plus, it's a secret. It's going to be so easy to guess that a gardening book is from you.” Patrick gets up from the chair he was lounging in and pads his way to the kitchen. Jonny can hear the fridge opening.

 

            “Bring me a Gatorade,” he calls over his shoulder as he closes the Amazon tab on his browser. He has no idea what to get Hartzy.

 

          Patrick tosses the Gatorade at Jonny's chest without warning before heaving himself back into the lounge chair. He's got the bowl of kale chips that Jonny had made the other day.

 

         “I grew that kale, that's why they're so good,” he says, trying to sound casual.

 

         “Give it a rest,” Patrick laughs through a mouthful of kale. “They are great though,” he eventually amends.

 

         Jonny smiles downwards. _Yeah, they are_ he thinks smugly.

 

         “What do twenty two year olds like?” Jonny muses as he tries to think about something personal he could get for Hartzy. He knows he likes hockey (duh), drinking (duh), and that pretty much sums it up. Jonny usually makes a point of getting to know the new guys on the team, as captain he feels it's his responsibility. But that doesn't mean discussing personal interests or anything like that. It means sitting next to them at dinner or sharing a beer with them and cracking jokes.

 

         “You're not supposed to tell me who you have!” Patrick exclaims while throwing his hands up.

 

         “I _didn't_ ,” Jonny insists. He's pretty sure he wasn't speaking out loud?

 

         “You said _twenty two_. That pretty much narrows it down. I can't believe you were going to get one of the rookies a gardening book!”

 

          “Whatever. I'm a great gift giver,” Jonny sulks because he's still offended that Patrick said he wasn't. He's not good at letting stuff like that go. “Remember the necklace I got for Maggie last year? She loved it.”

 

         Patrick’s face shifts quickly, from the delighted expression he’d had watching Jonny sulk, to something pinched and unreadable.

 

            “Anyone can pick out a nice piece of jewellery,” Patrick mutters after a moment of silence. “Plus, I know you asked Abby’s opinion on that one.”

 

          Jonny frowns. He has to think about it for a moment but yeah, he _did_ send a couple different pictures to Abby and she said to go with the crystal moon necklace.

 

         “Whatever,” Jonny dismisses with a wave of his hand. “Hartzy is going to love my gift.”

 

          “Oh my god! You're _not supposed to tell me_!” Patrick screams.

 

         Jonny gives him a blank expression. Patrick can be so dramatic at times. He says this out loud and gets a water bottle thrown at his head.

 

          “ _See_? That was also dramatic.”

 

           “I literally hate you,” Patrick tells him while standing up.

 

          “You literally do not,” Jonny mocks. He shuts his laptop and tosses it to the side of the couch, giving up for now. He’ll find the best gift later and everyone will be so amazed at the party. Especially Patrick.

 

            “Where are you going?” He questions as he realizes Patrick is putting on his dress coat. It’s Jonny’s favorite of his: tight on the shoulders, two rows of buttons on the front. Jonny had once told him if a girl ever wanted to take him home to meet her parents, he should wear that jacket.

 

           “I'm going shopping for my secret Santa. Your inability has inspired me.”

 

          Jonny gets up and follows Patrick to the door. “Who did you get?”

 

          “I'm not telling you,” he scoffs in return.

 

           “It's only fair. You know who I have.”

 

          Patrick pulls on his beanie. It doesn't exactly go with his coat, but Jonny has always thought a beanie suited him well. “Just because you can't play by the rule doesn't mean I can't, Captain.”

 

         “Who knew you took secret Santa so seriously,” Jonny grumbles as he watches Patrick open the door. “If you told me I could come shopping with you.”

 

         Patrick smirks as he opens the door. “I've had enough of your ugly mug for one day, thank you very much. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

 

        “You want a ride to practice?” Jonny offers.

 

          “Nah,” Patrick shakes his head as he back starts to retreat out the door. “See ya.”

 

           “Yeah, see ya,” Jonny says as the door falls shut. He frowns at it for a brief moment before rolling his eyes upwards and reminding himself that no matter how long he's known Patrick, he’ll never truly understand his madness.

 

***

 

“Jonny! Don't you look cute!” Dayna claps when she sees him.

 

         Jonny winces and looks down at the ugly Christmas sweater he had chosen to wear. It's bright green with gingerbread men and candy canes decorating the front. It's already starting to itch him and he's thinking he probably should have just worn a red shirt like Seabs.

 

         “Very festive, Captain,” Seabs grins.

 

        “Jonny!” Patrick wails enthusiastically when he spots him, heading in their direction. “I love it man! Nice to see you getting in the spirit!” He's wearing an equally ugly sweater. A big green Christmas tree on his chest with pompoms as decorations.

 

         “Thanks,” Jonny mumbles, cheeks flaming a little.

 

         “Did you guys plan this? You're such a cute couple,” Seabs mocks, eyeing them both stupidly.

 

        “We didn't!” Patrick chimes. “Which is what makes it even better.” He wraps an arm around Jonny’s waist and nuzzles himself in. The glass he's holding sloshes, wetting Jonny's side.

 

         It's obvious he's already drunk, which is okay. Patrick doesn't drink all that much anymore, usually just nurses a beer or two. It's nice to see him comfortable like this, surrounded by his teammates and their significant others.

 

           “Sorry,” Patrick murmurs as he swipes his hand over Jonny’s hip.

 

         Jonny smiles down at him. “It's fine, Kaner. I need another drink, though.”

 

         Dayna is grinning at them when Jonny looks up. Seabs is smiling too, but eyeing them curiously. Jonny blinks back in confusion, slightly wiggling so Patrick is no longer clung to his side.

 

        Patrick takes off towards the bar and Jonny gives them a nod goodbye as he passes.

 

***

 

“Is everyone ready to start the Secret Santa?” Crow yells out amongst the crowd, gathering everyone’s attention.

 

Patrick stops mid sentence and grins up at Jonny excitedly. “I’m fucking ready, let’s see you fail miserably at gift giving.”

 

         “Ha, you're in for a treat then. My gift is awesome,” Jonny assures him as they head towards the other side of the room. There's a table lined with presents. Most look like they were professionally wrapped, or at least done by a significant other. Jonny can't picture any of his huge hockey player friends wrapping delicate bows around perfectly crisp wrapping paper.

 

         The thought makes him chuckle out loud. Patrick shoots him a funny look and _shit_ maybe Jonny is drunker than he thought he was. He's definitely buzzed, at the very least.

 

         “How are we doing this?” Hammer asks. “Just going up and finding our presents, then opening them?”

 

         “No!” Patrick exclaims. “We need to open them one at a time.” He walks to a table and grabs a chair, scraping the legs along the floor until it's in the middle of the empty space. “It will be more fun this way,” he insists. “We can guess who had us!”

 

         “Fine,” Hammer concedes, looking less than enthusiastic. “But that means you're up first, Kaner.”

 

         Patrick doesn't look upset about this. He actually looks cheery as he walks to the table, searches the bags and then plucks one before sitting on the chair. “Very nice wrapping job,” he comments as he begins to pull off the shiny wrapping paper.

 

          Jonny watches Patrick, sitting in front of everyone with a bright smile on his face. He likes him best like this, comfortable and easily joking.

 

          “Oh my god! I love it!” He cries out, grinning down at whatever he’s holding. “I have no idea who it’s from but I love it!”

 

          “Show us what it is, moron,” Duncs tells him.

 

          Patrick holds up the most hideous thing Jonny has ever seen in his life. It’s a royal blue sweater, with white snowflakes and red stars. On the front is a snowman. What makes it so horrible is the fact that the snowman is wearing an American Flag santa hat and sweater, and holding a giant American flag. Jonny wants to throw up looking at it and it’s _so fucking Kaner_ that it’s hilarious.

 

          Patrick then proceeds to take his sweater off, revealing his bare chest, and pulls the atrocious thing on over his head. He stands up and does a little twirl, modelling it for the crowd. “I hope this is burning your Canadian eyes,” he says to no one in particular.

 

          “That’s fucking terrible, who would ever buy such a thing?” Seabs demands. “Who would _make_ such a thing?”

 

          “You’re just jealous that Canada isn’t this awesome,” Patrick gleams. “Now I have to guess who got it for me... Hmmm..” He strokes his chin as his eyes scan over the crowd. His face lights up suddenly, as his gazes falls on someone.

 

          Jonny follows where Patrick is grinning, and sees Panarin giggling.

 

          “Breadman! You didn’t!” Patrick practically squeals. “Oh man, get up here and let me give you a hug!”

 

          Everyone is smiling and laughing along, Patrick’s enthusiasm clearly contagious. Jonny finds himself smiling too, which is nothing surprising. Patrick has always had that effect on him.

 

          “Alright, then Breadman is next,” Hammer says, trying to move things along.

 

          Panarin extracts himself from Patrick’s grip and heads over to the table.

 

          They keep going like that, some gifts genuinely thoughtful and some so ridiculous the entire room ends up laughing. They give up the guessing, because no one seems to have any idea who actually had them.

 

          Patrick gives Jonny a raised eyebrow look once Hartzy goes over to the table and picks up his gift.

 

          Jonny just shrugs back. He already knows that Hartzy is going to love it, and he does.

 

          “This has got to be from Jonny!” He says immediately, turning the gift certificate over in his hands and reading the back. “Because I told you that I always wanted to try water skiing!”

 

          “Fuck, he didn’t buy you water skis?” Patrick demands.

 

          “No, no,” Hartzy laughs. “He just got me a certificate to rent them for when Lauren and I go to Mexico this summer! It’s even for the resort we’re staying at.”

 

          “Aww,” Duncs says mockingly, throwing his arm around Jonny’s shoulder. “Aren’t you sweet, Captain.”

 

          Jonny shoots a smug look at Patrick who rolls his eyes, clearly pissed.

 

          Jonny hates losing, Patrick should know that by now.

 

          “Alright, Tazer’s great, whatever. Next!” Patrick commands, pushing Schmaltz in the direction of the table.

 

          Jonny ends up being last, which is fine. He heads over to the table and picks up the last gift bag, frowning at the sparkly tissue paper coming out of the top.

 

          His jaw drops as he pulls away the tissue paper and sees what's in the bag.

 

         “What did you get?” One of his teammates calls out. He can't focus on who it's coming from, though. He's too busy scanning the room for Patrick.

 

          He sees him, arms folded across his chest and smug smirk plastered on his face.

 

         Jonny looks away quickly, back down at the bag. “Lube,” he answers to the crowd of people watching him. “Someone gave me fucking lube.”

 

        It's strawberry flavoured, which is how he knows it came from Patrick.

 

         They’d used it the first time they slept together. They’d done plenty of stuff leading up to that point, but it was going to be the first time they ever actually had sex.

 

         Jonny had been so nervous, stuttering and stammering and freezing up while they kissed. Patrick had pulled back and asked if Jonny was sure he wanted to do this.

 

         Jonny _was_ sure. It was all he’d been thinking about for weeks.

 

         Patrick had gotten up from the bed and told Jonny he had something to calm him down. He then pulled a bottle of strawberry lube from his bag - the exact same brand Jonny was now holding- and tossed it on the bed.

 

        “It's not gay if it smells like a girl, right?” Patrick had joked.

 

         Jonny had let out a bark of alarmed laughter, all the tension easing from his body. He wasn't concerned with making this less ‘gay.’

 

         It eased his nerves though, realizing it was just _Patrick._ Stupid, obnoxious Patrick who did things like buy strawberry lube to make Jonny smile. It was Patrick, the person he wanted more than anything. He didn't have anything to be nervous about.

 

         That was a long, long time ago now, something they didn’t talk about anymore. Which is why it makes no sense that Patrick would give him this gift - in front of all their fucking teammates.

 

         “Who the fuck would buy you lube? Is there anything else?” Duncs demands, coming over to see if Jonny is just pulling an elaborate prank on everyone.

 

         “Nah man, just a bottle of lube.” Jonny keeps his eyes focused on the bottle, avoiding eye contact with anyone. He's never been a great liar, and now he's tasked with pretending he doesn't know that Patrick was his secret Santa.

 

          _Fucking Patrick_ , he thinks. He must really hate him or something. He doesn’t risk looking up to see his expression.

 

          Everyone seems confused over whether or not they should be amused or weirded out. Jonny is just pissed.

 

          “Whatever,” he grits out, tossing the bottle into the bag and trying to seem casual about it. “I’m going to get another drink.”

 

          He spends the next hour or so drinking and dodging questions about why someone would give him lube for secret Santa. The young guys seem to think it’s fucking hilarious, which is alright by Jonny because at least then it looks like it was one of them.

 

          Patrick doesn’t approach Jonny for a while after that, and Jonny can’t stop watching him. With each drink he moves away from being pissed and becomes a little more curious. What was Patrick trying to accomplish here?

 

         Maybe he was even becoming a little turned on, what with the memories of Patrick sprawled out for him playing a constant loop in his head.

 

            After his sixth or seventh drink, he excuses himself from a conversation with Lauren about their trip to Mexico and heads over to the bar, where he had been watching Patrick.

 

          “Let's go,” Jonny whispers to Patrick, hand circling tightly around his elbow.

 

         Patrick rotates his neck so he's looking at Jonny, wearing a puzzled expression. Their faces are inches from each other's now and Patrick’s breath hitches. “Where are we going?” He whispers.

 

           “My place,” Jonny says darkly, licking his lips a little. Patrick is so close and he just wants so much, it's hard to hold himself back.

 

            Patrick looks surprised, but at the same time _not_. Like this is what he was hoping for - but didn’t expect it, all the same. “Why?” He asks carefully, blue eyes still wide.

 

          Jonny leans in even closer so that his lips brush against Patrick’s ear as he murmurs “why do you _think_.”

 

          Patrick straightens quickly, placing his beer on the bar and untangling himself from Jonny so that he can begin walking to the door.

 

          Jonny’s head spins a little as he tries to keep up with Patrick. He's drunk and this is probably stupid but - right now he doesn't care. He wants Patrick, he’ll deal with whatever comes next tomorrow.

 

          “Should we say goodbye or something?” Jonny asks once they're outside, the cool air giving him some clarity.

 

         “Nah,” Patrick says quickly. “Did you bring your car? I'm way too fucked too drive.”

 

         Jonny _did_ bring his car. “I can't drive either, man.”

 

         Patrick stops suddenly, eyeing Jonny carefully. “How drunk are you?” He asks quietly. Usually Jonny can read Patrick's expressions, but this is one of the rare ones that he has no idea the meaning of.

          _Drunk enough to let myself have this_ , Jonny thinks. “Too drunk to drive,” he says instead. “Not too drunk to get it up.”

 

         Patrick’s jaw drops open. “That was one time!” He stammers.

 

         Jonny smirks. “One time too many.”

 

         “I really want to kiss you,” Patrick say, catching Jonny off guard. Obviously he was intending on kissing Patrick at some point - the sooner the better, even. The openness of it is what surprises him, though.

 

         “Call a cab, then.”

 

          Patrick takes out his phone in record time and rattles off their address.

 

          “Did you like your present?” Patrick laughs evilly when he hangs up the phone.

 

          Jonny snorts. “That depends,” he drawls out, taking a step closer to Patrick.

 

          “On what?” Patrick asks, his hands reaching up to trail Jonny’s bicep.

 

          “On whether or not the sex is included.”

 

          Patrick’s hand tightens on Jonny’s arm, his eyes dark as he tilts his head up. They shouldn’t be doing this, in the open with their teammates so close by. Neither of them seem to care at this point. “You know it is, baby,” Patrick says back in his silky voice, the one Jonny hasn’t gotten to hear in years.

 

          Jonny suddenly can’t remember why they ever stopped doing this - it was without a doubt the best sex of his life.

 

          “Then I think I’m really going to like my present.”

 

***

 

They’re kissing the second they stumble into Jonny’s apartment.

 

“Get this stupid thing off,” Jonny tells him, gripping at the hem of Patrick’s American sweater.

 

“Don’t pretend like you hate the sweater, you just want me naked,” Patrick laughs against Jonny’s lips.

 

“I can promise you, it’s a mix of the two,” Jonny answers and then goes back to kissing him.

 

Kissing Patrick now reminds him of everything he’d tried to forget. His lips taste familiar, and Jonny craves the feeling of it, kissing back even harder.

 

He was in love with him, at one point.

 

         He's tried to deny it, told himself that what he felt was just lust or that it was simply because Patrick was the first guy he’d been with.

 

         He was in love with him, there's no denying that. Not when Patrick’s tongue is in his mouth and hand is gripping his asscheek. His heart is thumping heavily in his chest. Jonny can't seem to focus on just one thing. There's the throbbing of his dick, hard against his legging, anticipating Patrick’s touch. There's the little sounds escaping Patrick’s mouth, tiny moans. And then there's the feelings Jonny once had, all resurfacing hot and fast as Patrick pulls him closer.

 

“Let’s go to the bedroom,” Patrick tells him, pulling away. “Don’t forget your lube.”

 

Jonny scrambles towards the door, grabbing the bag he had discarded when they came in, and then follows Patrick towards his bedroom.

 

****

 

Jonny doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do next. They had sex - _fantastic sex._ The best sex Jonny has had since he was a teenager and just learning this stuff with Patrick.

 

The next morning they eat breakfast and it feels normal, like it always did. Jonny has to leave around lunchtime to pack for their trip, and they don’t kiss goodbye or anything. He’s not sure if they’re supposed too, or if he even wants too.

 

He knows that letting himself have last night was probably stupid. He knew what Patrick wanted back then, and it wasn’t Jonny. At least not for more than hooking up. Opening up all those wounds again was clearly a mistake. He can’t solely blame it on being drunk though, because sober as day now, he’d still make the same decision.

 

It’s been four days since and Patrick has still yet to bring it up. Jonny hasn’t either, granted, but it wasn’t him who started this whole game in the first place. Jonny had made the move, so now it was Patrick’s turn again.

 

There's a tension between them that Jonny’s just waiting to snap. He thinks the team can sense it, if the hesitant looks they toss at them are any indication.

 

Years ago, Jonny had vowed that we wouldn’t let his feelings for Patrick come in the way of hockey ever again.

 

They need to talk about it. That’s where they went wrong last time - they’d tried to sweep everything under the rug. They need to talk about it... but that doesn’t mean Jonny _wants_ too.

 

Patrick is across the room during their team breakfast, and while Jonny should go over and talk to him... He doesn’t.

 

“Alright,” Seabs says as he flops down in the chair across from Jonny, startling him out of his thoughts. “We need to get to the bottom of this and figure out who gave you the lube.”

 

         “I already know,” Jonny blurts without thinking. As soon as the words fall from his mouth, he regrets it. “I mean...”

 

         Seabs’ eyes go wide. “You _know?_ How!”

 

         Jonny scratches the side of his neck, buying time. “Um...”

 

         “Is it like, a brand you use with your girl?” Seabs inquires. “Did one of the guys find it in your bag or something?”

 

        Jonny bites his lip. “Something like that.”

 

         “What the fuck, Tazer, you holding out on me?” Seabs demands, leaning in closer over the table.

 

         “I'm not going to tell you!” Jonny spits out.

 

         Seabs frowns and actually has the audacity to look _hurt_ by that. “Why not?”

 

        “Because I'm not,” Jonny sighs, voice deflating. Fucking Patrick, that moron.

 

        Seabs turns in his chair and starts scanning the room. “Well, I know who it _wasn't._ Because they’ve all been asking if I knew. So it wasn't Duncs, or Hammer, or Hartzy, or...” He keeps listing off all the players who it wasn't, until he spots Patrick. “Kaner never said anything, actually.”

 

         Jonny winces. Fuck his inability to lie.

 

         “Why would Kaner give you- OH MY GOD!” Seabs’ jaw drops with the realization.

 

        “Shhh!” Jonny hisses, frantically eyeing the rest of the room to see if anyone had heard them.

 

         “Are you guys-”

 

         “No!” He gushes quickly.

 

          Seabs is looking at him with disbelief, like everything is starting to click together. He searches Jonny’s face, clearly skeptical.

 

          “We’re not... Anymore,” he mumbles, eyes cast downward in shame. Not shame about being with Patrick, but he's really embarrassed that he couldn't even keep it a secret.

 

         Seabs’ looks shocked, even though he had been pretty confident about knowing just a second ago. As if he never expected it to actually be true.

 

         “Shit, don't say anything,” Jonny pleads. “It's not something I want the entire team gossiping about.”

 

         He nods slowly. “You know I won't,” he assures. “When though?”

 

          Jonny waves his hand in the air, signalling how unimportant the details are. “I don't know, like the end of rookie year to... March?”

 

         “You dated for nearly a _year_ without any of us knowing?” Seabs demanded.

 

         Jonny shrugs, pushing his scrambled eggs around on his plate. “We weren't dating,” he clarifies. “Just... Hooking up. It wasn't so hard anyway. We shared a hotel room, remember?”

 

         Seabs eyes narrowed suddenly. He leaned in closer as he said “you lived with _me_ rookie year.”

 

         Jonny grins for the first time during this whole conversation. “Yeah, we fucked on your couch once.”

 

          Seabs looks completely aghast. “I sit there! Ew! That's disgusting!”

 

         “You wanted to know,” Jonny chimes.

 

         “So what, you're gay? Why didn't you ever tell me? I understand not wanting it to be like, a public thing but. You could have told me, man. Kaner too. The core, we would have had your back.”

 

           “I'm not,” Jonny says. “Gay,” he adds as a bit of clarification when Seabs looks confused. “I'm bi. And Kaner was the only guy, ever, and once that ended it didn't seem important enough to share.”

 

         “Kaner too?”

 

         Jonny nods. “Yeah, he's bi. So it's not like we’ve been lying or faking it or anything. Our relationships have all been real. We just, fucked each other back when we were kids. No big deal.”

 

        Seabs doesn't look convinced. “It's still, like apart of you though. Just know it's not something you have to hide from us. We love you, Taze.”

 

        “This conversation is getting too emotional for 8 in the morning,” Jonny jokes. Secretly, he's happy to hear it. He's never really felt like he was lying to anyone, but it's nice to hear someone important to him say that they accept him. He's never actually come out to anyone before, so it's a good feeling.

 

          “Alright, alright. Finish up your eggs and I’ll see you on the bus.” Seabs stands up and claps Jonny on the back. “And don't worry, I'm not going to say anything.”

 

         “Thanks,” Jonny says quietly.

 

***

 

“Want to grab lunch?” Patrick asks as he towels off his wet hair.

 

Jonny had planned on going back to the hotel to grab a quick nap before their game that night, but he needs too eat too. “Want to come back to my room and order room service?” He offers.

 

He needs to talk to Patrick, actually. As much as he’s been trying to avoid doing so.

 

“Yeah, sounds good,” Patrick agrees, starting to get dressed.

 

Jonny sits next to next to Panarin on the bus back to the hotel. It’s a short ride and they discuss some plans for their offense tonight.

 

Once they get off the bus, Patrick follows Jonny to his room and sits down on the bed.

 

“What do you want?” Jonny asks as he reads the menu.

 

“Carbs, lots of carbs,” Patrick hums, turning on the TV.

 

They watch a show about home remodeling while they wait for their food to arrive.

 

“So listen,” Jonny says finally, while cutting his steak. “I told Seabs... That we you know... so he knows you're bi.”

 

         Patrick shifts a little. “I'm not, actually,” he mumbles.

 

          “I've had my dick in your ass enough to say differently,” Jonny bristles. A cold chill goes up his spine. Patrick is the one who brought all this up again - with that stupid fucking present.

 

          Patrick looks up, alarmed at the words. “Obviously I like dudes. Just, not so much the other way.”

 

         Jonny puts down his fork and looks squarely at Patrick, who’s avoiding looking back. “You told me you were. You always talked about girls,” he argues.

 

         “You were bi. I guess I figured I should be too. Like, if I didn't like girls it was somehow... I dunno.” Patrick’s Adam's apple bobs as he swallows hard. His eyes flicker to the ceiling, a tell sign that he's trying not to cry.

 

         “Patrick,” Jonny whispers, voice gone husky and low.

 

          Patrick shrugs in response. “It's stupid, I know. I was only a kid though.”

 

         “Yeah,” Jonny breathes. He remembers Patrick back then, with his toothy grin and untamable curls. He had always seemed so cocky, getting into competitions with the older guys and making big extravagant celebrations. But underneath, Patrick was scared. He let it come out when they were alone in their hotel room, how he was afraid of messing everything up. Jonny had felt it, too.

 

          At the time, Patrick was the only one Jonny felt he could truly be himself with. To this day, no one else knew he was bi. He thought he’d been that person for Patrick, too. But Patrick was even afraid of being himself with Jonny - and that hurts, but more than that it makes him sad for Patrick.

 

          “I wouldn't have cared, you know. It wouldn't have changed anything, obviously.” It pretty much goes without saying, he thinks. Jonny wouldn't have cared if Patrick didn't like girls; he only cared about Jonny liking _him_.

 

“I know that. It wasn’t really about you,” Patrick shrugs. “I was mostly just afraid to admit that I was gay, even to you. I wasn’t really admitting it to myself, either. Don’t feel like it was something you did wrong,” Patrick assures him, because he knows Jonny well enough. “It really wasn’t.”

 

“Okay,” Jonny mumbles. “I won’t.”

 

       He wouldn't have cared that Patrick wasn't bi, had he told him upfront. But Jonny starts thinking about everything - all the lies Patrick inevitably told him. It's a lot to take in.

 

“And don’t worry about telling Seabs. I’m assuming he was relentless about the whole lube thing?”

 

Jonny tries to laugh, but his entire body feels cold. “Yeah,” he whispers, feeling suddenly sick. He finishes eating quickly then tells Patrick he’s going to nap, practically kicking him out.

 

Patrick looks confused, leaving with his half full plate in hand.

 

***

 

They win the game, and someone has the bright idea to go out to a bar to celebrate.

 

“What’s up with you and Kaner?” Seabs asks, cornering Jonny alone by the bar.

 

Jonny gives him a blank look. “I thought we already went over this,” he grits out, trying to signal the bartender for another drink.

 

“No, we went over the fact that you used to have sex. But that doesn’t explain why you’re fighting _now_.”

 

“We’re not fighting,” Jonny says tightly, trying to lean around the group of girls in front of him so he can order.

 

“You guys aren’t speaking in the locker room, you’re yelling at each other on the bench. Something is _up_. And it all started with Kaner giving you the lube.”

 

Jonny smacks Seabs on the shoulder, giving him a deathly glare. That’s just what he wants some random in a bar to hear.

 

“It’s nothing. I made a mistake, and I learned my lesson, and it won’t happen again. Kaner and I will be fine.”

 

Seabs frowns, displeased with the explanation. Before he can open his mouth to say something, the bartender is asking what Jonny would. He orders two beers and offers one to Seabs, hoping it will give him something to do with his mouth other than ask stupid questions about himself and Kaner.

 

There’s a girl standing next to their table when Jonny returns. He can only see her from back on. She’s leaned over the table, low skirt riding up over her thighs. She’s hot, he notes as he does a quick scan over.

 

Then he sees who she’s talking too.

 

Patrick is sitting with his elbows leaned on the table, smiling prettily back up at her. He says something that Jonny can’t quite hear, but the girl giggles and touches Patrick’s arm.

 

He’s flirting, obviously. Jonny has watched him do it enough times to know what this means.

 

He isn't sure who Patrick is doing it for, though. He doesn't like girls, he made that perfectly clear.

 

       It's sad and it pisses him off to see Patrick like this, afraid to be himself. Maybe Jonny can't judge, because he's still pretty much completely in the closet, but at least he's had actual relationships since they broke up. Patrick faked them all, and Jonny doesn't think that sounds like anyway to live your life.

 

         He's only had a mouthful of his beer, but he sets it down loudly on the table and announces to whoever is near that he's heading out.

 

         Patrick looks up from girl and frowns at Jonny. “Already? I’ll come with you.”

 

         Jonny ignored Seabs curious glance and shrugs at Patrick. “If you want. We can split a cab.”

 

         “It was lovely meeting you, Rachel. Take care,” Patrick tells her as he slides out of the booth. Jonny watches the way her face falls and is rudely satisfied by it.

 

         Patrick says a quick goodbye to the guys around then and then smiles at Jonny.

 

        “You drunk?” Jonny asks.

  

         Patrick rolls his eyes. “I had one beer, relax.”

 

         Jonny nods. He's not sure if he's satisfied or not by the response.

 

         “Can I crash at your place?” Patrick asks.

 

         Jonny hesitates. It's a stupid idea, what with the want pooling in Jonny’s belly every time he looks at Patrick in that sweater.

 

        “Yes,” he says despite himself. _No, no, no_ , his brain chants at him. He ignores it and licks his lips instead.

 

       Patrick smiles back, sweetly.

 

        It's stupid because Jonny is pissed off at him but that doesn't take away from how much he wants to reach over and kiss him underneath the light of the street lamp.

 

        They're mostly quiet in the cab, sitting as far apart as possible. Patrick has his head turned, eyes focused out the window. Jonny can't help but focus on Patrick.

 

         He’d gotten good at looking away, maybe without even realizing he was doing it. Over the years he had just learned to ignore any feelings he’d had, and treat Patrick like any other friend. Okay, maybe not any other friend. His best friend. But nothing _more_.

 

         And just like that, it was gone. He felt like a stupid rookie, pining over his best friend all over again.

 

         “You sure it's okay if I come up?” Patrick asks again as they get out of the cab.

 

         Jonny nods, because it's not like he can send Patrick away now. And it's not like he wants too, either.

 

         They're still quiet in the elevator and then as Jonny unlocks his door and they stumble into his apartment, kicking their shoes off.

 

        “Want something to drink? Gatorade? Water?” He asks as he heads to the kitchen.

 

         “Water, sure, thanks.”

 

         Jonny looks at Patrick, long and hard. He opens his mouth to say something but then clamps it shut again.

 

         “So what are you plans for Christmas, anyway?” Jonny asks. It's coming quick, less than two weeks away.

 

        “Family is coming here on Boxing Day. Won't make it home,  obviously. You?”

 

         “Pretty much the same. Going to head up around the 28th for a night. Seabs asked me ‘round to his place for Christmas dinner.”

 

         “Panarin and Artem and some of the younger guys asked me to go out and eat Christmas Day. I may go, I dunno.”

 

        Jonny nods. They fall into a silence for a moment. This is his chance, he knows. _Ask him,_ he tells himself.

 

       He opens his mouth again but chickens out and blurts “water. I forgot your water.”

 

         Patrick laughs. “Thanks.”

 

         “Can I ask you something?” Jonny gathers the courage to ask as he rummages around in the fridge for a bottle of water. It's now or never.

 

         “Alright,” Patrick agrees, sounding like he's preparing himself for the worst.

 

       Jonny tosses the water at him and tries his best to sound casual as he asks:  “When did you realize you weren't bi?” It's not important. It's just, something that's been weighing heavily on his mind since Patrick told him.

 

       Patrick frowns, eyebrows knitting together. “I guess never? I realized I was gay, and I just knew that I didn't like girls. I never really thought I was bi. Mostly after you, though. I knew it was different than it had been with girls.”

 

         Jonny inhales sharply because that had not been the answer he was hoping for. “Okay, so... When you called it off between us... When you told me you had met the perfect girl and couldn't be fucking your friend anymore, what was that about?”

 

         “Jonny,” Patrick winces.

 

         “No, hey, I think I deserve to know that much. Did you not want too anymore? You could have told me. Didn't have to invent some girl.”

 

         Patrick picks up his bottle of water and takes a long sip. He's quiet for a moment even after he puts it down. “I wanted to end it before you got the chance too.”

 

        “Before _I_ got the chance too? I wasn't going to end it!” Jonny says, his voice edging on a yell. “What are you talking about?”

 

        Patrick closes his eyes. “It was a long time ago, Jonny. But I just... I wanted to be the one to break things off. I didn't want to wait around until you found the perfect girl, the one you would eventually marry. You were bi - you could have that, the perfect wife to go with the perfect Canadian boy. It wasn't an option for me, but it always was for you.”

 

         “Let me get this straight,” Jonny says flatly. “You thought I was just fucking around with you until I found someone better? Not just someone. But a _girl_ , right?”

 

         “Jonny-”

 

         “No,” he cuts Patrick off. He needs to say this. “You thought I was just using you, until I found someone actually worth keeping around right? I'm sure that sucked for you.”

 

         Patrick sniffs, eyes focused on the ceiling. “Yeah, it fucking sucked.”

 

         “So, what you did was _tell me_ that you had found the perfect girl. The “one” right? That's what you called her. You told me how incredible she was, and that you couldn't risk it by having sex with me anymore. You _told_ me that! You basically told me that you were just fucking me until you found someone better! I wasn't worth it you said.”

 

         “It was a long time ago,” Patrick says helplessly.

 

         “I don't care how long ago it was! You realize how fucked that is, right? You think it sucked thinking I was going to do that to you? Try actually having it done to you. I wasn't looking for a fucking wife, Patrick. I was in love with you! I wanted to _be with you_. And you told me I wasn't worth fucking anymore. You broke my heart.”

 

         Jonny could see the red rimming around Patrick’s eyes.

 

        “I didn't... Fuck I didn't _know_. If I knew-”

 

         “That's a really garbage way to treat someone, Kaner.”

         Jonny had cried for days after Patrick had told him about the girl -Lily, he thinks. Then he had cried all over again when he heard Patrick tell Sharpy they’d broken up, after just a few dates.

 

         Clearly she wasn't anything special, but she was enough to end things with Jonny over.

 

         Patrick had never brought it up to Jonny again. He never mentioned the fact that they had been pretty much dating for the better part of a year.

 

        Now it makes sense, even if it's still incredibly fucked up. Patrick had been trying to spare himself, by breaking Jonny in the process.

 

        All these years, though, Jonny had looked at Patrick with the believe that he’d never meant anything to him. It had taken a long time to get used too that and still be friends with Patrick.

 

       “Did you love me?” Jonny asks, not because it changes anything but simply because he wants to know.

 

         “Yes,” Patrick answers quickly. “I loved you so much, and it scared me.”

 

         “Funny thing is, if you had of told me that instead of a making up a dumb lie... Things could have been a lot different now.”

 

       Patrick makes a pained noise at that. “Jonny-”

 

       “You should go, Kaner. I’ll see you at skate.” He stands up from the table and heads towards his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

 

         He doesn't hear it when Patrick leaves, so he doesn't know how long it takes.

 

         He lays in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything that happened back then. Jonny had seriously been in love with him. He’d been devastated when Patrick broke up with him.

 

        Actually, he didn't even break up with him. Just said they needed to stop fucking, leaving Jonny to think that's all it was between them.

 

         He can understand that Patrick was scared, Jonny was too. But he _trusted_ Patrick and he had hoped Patrick trusted him.

 

         Jonny can't wrap his head around why Patrick brought up all their history now, if he really thought Jonny was just eventually going to settle down with some girl.

 

        He tries to sleep, he really does. But hours later he still can't get past the nagging wonder.

 

        He grabs his phone from the bedside table and selects Patrick from his contacts.

 

          _You awake_? He sends. It's the middle of the night. Patrick may have went home and gone to bed. But if Jonny knows him - and he does - Patrick is having trouble sleeping too.

 

          _Yes._ Is all Patrick sends back. Jonny waits a couple minutes, hoping for something more. He was the one who reached out to Patrick, he should be the one to apologize or something.

 

         After five minutes with nothing else, Jonny replies. _There's so many things I want to say and I have no idea where to start._

 

         Questions and thoughts are bouncing around in his head, so much going on that he can't pinpoint an exact one.

 

          _How about I start with I'm sorry?_

 

         Jonny reads the text and sighs. He forgives Patrick, he really does. What happened was so many years ago, they’d grown together in that time. It sucks, remembering the pain he had been in and realizing now that it was all for nothing. But he can't go back and be mad at Patrick for something that happened seven years ago.

 

          _It's fine. I'm not going to pretend like it wasn't upsetting to hear, but it's the past now._

 

        His phone rings instead of vibrating with a reply.

 

        “Texting sucks,” Patrick explains without being prompted, as soon as Jonny answers.

 

         “Yeah, I guess it does.” Jonny sometimes likes texting for important conversations - it gives him time to think and compose his ideas, rather than getting heated and saying things he didn't mean too.

 

         “I really am sorry. I had no idea that I hurt you - that was the last thing I wanted.”

 

         “You really did, though. You just ended things and then pretended like it never happened. Did you really think I was that emotionally detached that it wouldn't bother me?” Jonny can't wrap his head around that part. The way things were going between them - it didn't feel like just hooking up to Jonny. How had Patrick read the situation so poorly?

 

           “I don't know what I thought. I guess I was so stuck on the idea that you liked girls and would eventually leave me for one, that I couldn't really see anything else. You were all I wanted, but I couldn't believe that you would want me. Not when you could have any beautiful girl you wanted.”

 

         “Fuck,” Jonny hisses. “Being bi doesn't make me less interested in guys then you, you do realize that right? Just because I like girls as well doesn't mean I would have been less committed or whatever.”

 

           “I know that, now. All of this... I was an idiot, Jonny. You know that.” Patrick laughs humorlessly.

 

           “I wish you could have talked to me about this back then, not just assume you knew what I wanted. Did I ever say anything about wanting to settle down and marry a girl? I don't think I even mentioned girls... That was always you.” Jonny was never the type to see a girl on TV and proclaim how hot she was. That was the type of shit Patrick did.

 

          “I guess I just always felt my life would be easier, if I could have that. And I guess I thought you would feel the same - like you should take the easy route.” Patrick’s voice sounds so small over the phone. Jonny tries to picture him, lying in the darkness.

 

          “I don't look at it as an easier route... I want to be with someone I love, and if that person is a guy, I'm not going to deny myself that because it's a bit more complicated.”

 

          “I know that now. I've been thinking about it a lot, lately. About how you never actually found that girl. And I keep thinking about how stupid I was, to let you go. I spent years trying not to love you, preparing myself for the day you would ask me to be your best man...”

 

           Jonny sighs heavily. “I spent that time trying to get past the fact that I meant nothing to you.”

 

          “It's crazy how far from the truth that was,” Patrick says.

 

         “That's how you made me feel,” Jonny counters. “I was just an easy lay, because I was there. The second something better came along...”

 

         Jonny can hear that Patrick is crying through the phone.

 

          “Why now?” Jonny finally asks. “What's the reason for the present?”

 

          “We aren't getting any younger, you know? You’re still single and I still want you, so...”

 

“So you gave me fucking lube in front of our entire team?” Jonny muses.

 

“Pretty much. It worked though, I got you in bed that very night,” Patrick says smugly.

 

“Is that all it was though? Just wanting to get me in bed? Because I’m really not interested in going down that road again.” Even now, knowing all the misguided things Patrick had done, there’s still that lingering feeling of Jonny not being enough for Patrick. It’s not something he’s going to let go of overnight.

 

“I can promise you, Jonny, it wasn’t about that then and it certainly isn’t about that now.”

 

         “So what is it about, now?” Jonny asks. He holds his breath as he waits for Patrick to answer.

 

         “I want you to go on a date with me. A real one. I want to give us a real chance.”

 

         Jonny listens to the words, letting them wash over him as he thinks. “You really broke my heart,” he finally answers. “It was the hardest thing... I don't know if I can do that again.”

 

         “I broke mine, too.” Patrick sniffles. “Letting you go was the hardest and stupidest thing I ever did. And if I could ever get you back, fuck, Jonny, I would never make that mistake again.”

 

Jonny swallows hard against the words, squeezing his eyes shut tight. Years ago, hearing Patrick say this was all he ever wanted.

 

So much has happened since then, that Jonny doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I’ll think about it, how about that?” Jonny offers, because it’s the best he can do right now.

 

“Okay.” Patrick sounds disappointed. “I guess I should let you go then.”

 

“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Night, Patrick.”

 

“Night, Jonny.”

 

***

 

Jonny couldn't sleep still, even after hanging up from Patrick.

 

        Patrick’s words kept echoing in his head. _We’re not getting any younger_ and _go on a date with me._

 

        Jonny _wasn't_ getting any younger, and he was tired of being alone. He had tried dating, looking for the right person. He’s dated some fabulous girls, sweet caring and beautiful.

 

        None of them compared to Patrick though.

 

        Maybe Jonny wouldn't ever find someone that he loves like Patrick. If he denies himself this now, he may never actually get another chance.

 

         He's never been the type to let fear stand in the way of what he wants.

 

         Jonny gets up early the next morning and has an idea. He heads out to the grocery store and picks up everything he needs, then stops by a Christmas tree lot.

 

         It takes a while, but finally he spots it. The perfect Christmas tree, just barely four feet tall. The guy gives him an odd look as Jonny pays, but he just ignores it. He can't stop himself from beaming down at the little thing, feeling proud.

 

          He makes one final stop at Walmart and loads the cart up with brightly colored Christmas bulbs.

 

         Patrick blinks at him confusedly when he opens up the door. He rubs at his eyes a little then squints, like he doesn't believe that Jonny is actually standing in his doorway with a little Christmas tree at 11:30 in the day.

 

         “Jonny, what-” Patrick begins, but just shakes his head. A small smile starts to burst over his lips.

 

         “Do you remember, our second year in the league. It was the first time ever that you wouldn't make it home to help decorate your Christmas tree. So I-”

 

         “You brought one to Stan’s and we decorated it. Yes, Jonny, I remember. But I have a tree.”

 

         “This one's, not like just a tree. It's a metaphor or some shit - I don't know, it sounded like a good idea this morning.”

 

        Patrick is grinning as he takes a step towards Jonny, then throws his arms out and pulls him in for a slow kiss. “It is a good idea,” he says as he pulls back. “The best one.”

 

         “Let’s just forget what happened before, and start over now. I’ve always wanted you, Patrick. And as scary as it fucking is... I'm ready if you are.”

 

Patrick smiles, all soft and sweet around the edges. He takes a step closer, arms reaching out to wrap around Jonny’s neck. “I should have told you this years ago, but I’m glad I can now. I love you, Jonny.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

          

 


End file.
